Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
