omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
