I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i think i have two assholes
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
