he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize