ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
