Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
