Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
