I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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