I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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