At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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