dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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