the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
