I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
