I'm going to jail i love you
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
