my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The adults are the big ones right?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
