i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
