I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
