You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
