I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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