Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
