Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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