You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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