i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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