you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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