i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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