You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Actions speak louder than pants.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
