masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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