How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
