i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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