She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
he fucked my hip out of place.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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