; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
