I swear she didn't look like that last week.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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