You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
