new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
