Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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