oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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