I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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