The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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