sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
