So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
