I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
