my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
