Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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