Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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