apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
