Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
