I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Randomize
