i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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