I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
