and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
